Akatsuki Puppet Theatre
by The Forbidden Song Writer
Summary: A day or two in the life of the Akatsuki, involving a pizza guy, a magnetic table, Ebay, Missing stuff, global domination, reading lessons and Itachi's pants...enjoy reading


Akatsuki Puppet theatre 1

The life of the Akatsuki…

Characters

Pein

Itachi

Kisame

Deidara

Tobi

Zetsu

Sasori

Hidan

Kakuzu

Rika

Hana

*Every Akatsuki member is sitting in the lounge part of the hide out, Rika is on the phone and everyone else sitting on the couches and chairs watching T.V. Rika has taken everyone's orders for pizza, Hidan is the only one left*

Rika: Hey Hidan!

Hidan: Yes?

Rika: Do you want Hawaiian or Vegetarian pizza?

Hidan: How about F****** Meat lovers?

Rika: *Shock* you cannibal!

Hidan: Am not!

Rika: Are too!

Hidan: Am not!

Rika: Are too! 

Hidan: Am NOT!

Everyone: SHUT UP!

Silence

More Silence

More, More Silence

Rika: So Hawaiian or Vegetarian?

Hidan: *#*!#*#!**!

Rika: Hawaiian then

Hidan: F*** I give up

*Walks away leaving everyone sniggering in the lounge*

*Rika puts down the phone and sits down on the couch in between Tobi and Itachi*

Itachi: *Clears throat*

Rika: Yes?

Itachi: You're sitting on my cloak…

Rika: What are you going to do about it?

Itachi: Get off!

Rika: Make me…

Itachi: Fine!

*Grabs cloak and pulls making Rika roll off onto the floor*

*Rika gets up grumbling and sits back down on the couch. She pulls out a book and hands it to Tobi*

Rika: Read

Tobi:?

Rika: Can't you read?

Tobi: No Tobi cannot read… Will Rika teach Tobi to read?

Rika: Ok

*Rika opens the book and shows Tobi the first page. It has the letter A on it and a picture of an apple*

Rika: What does this say?

Tobi: Lollypop?

Rika: No, A

Tobi: Lollypop?

Rika: No, A

Tobi: Pineapple!

Rika: Next page then…

Tobi: Die

Rika: No, B

Tobi: Die

Rika: Tobi I am trying to help you!

Tobi: Rika Die!

Rika: Excuse me?

Tobi: Tobi want lollypop!

Rika: Ok then, does anyone have a lollypop that I can give to Tobi?

Deidara: Here!

*Throws lollypop at Rika who makes a dive catch and misses crashing into the coffee table; breaking it and spilling all the drinks that were sitting on it all over herself*

*Everyone sniggers*

Pein: Rika!

Rika: It's not my fault! Deidara can't throw!

Deidara: Can so, you just can't catch!

Pein: I don't care whose fault it is just clean it up and get a new table!

Rika & Deidara: Yes Leader-Sama!

*Rika and Deidara start to clean up all the glass and wood from the wreckage of the table and the drinks. Sasori gets some cloths to clean up the drinks and everyone else just stares at the TV.*

Tobi: Yay, Tobi has a lollypop

Rika: This is all your fault!

Tobi: Sorry Rika

Rika: Yeah well you should be, now Leader-Sama will give me all the dud jobs

Pein: I can still hear you

Rika: Bugger!

Zetsu: Haha loser

Itachi: Idiot

Kisame: Can I get another drink?

Hana: I'll get it for you

Kakuzu: I think somebody has a crush…

Hana: You take that back!

Kakuzu: No

Hana: Take it back now!

Kakuzu: No

Hana: ARGH!

*Hana launches herself across the room and slams into Kakuzu forcing them both backwards and they both start fighting on the floor*

Kisame: Fine I will get it myself

Zetsu: You do that

Kisame: Fine I will. Does anyone else want another one?

*Itachi, Sasori, Deidara and Zetsu raise their hands*

Kisame: Well you have to get them yourselves

*Kisame walks into the kitchen and the four follow leaving Rika and Deidara cleaning, Pein watching TV, Tobi licking his lollypop and Hana and Kakuzu fighting on the floor, still*

Half an hour later

DING, DONG!

Rika: I'll get it! Kisame, Itachi can you get another table from the storage room? Thanks

Kisame: Why does she always do that?

*Rika walks to the front door to get the pizza whilst Kisame and Itachi go to the storage room and get a new coffee table*

*By the time Kisame and Itachi come back with the new table they find that they cannot put it in the middle of the floor because someone is already sitting there*

Kisame: And who is this?

?: HELP ME!

*Random is tied to the chair and has his hands bound and a blind fold on*

Itachi: Is that the pizza guy?

Rika: Maybe…

Pein: Well, what are you going to do with him?

Rika: Can I keep him as a pet?

Tobi: Yay new pet to play with!

Rika: He's mine!

Tobi: *Sad face* ok

Pein: You absolutely cannot keep him, it's either kill him or kill him

Rika: But I don't wanna kill him

Pein: Rika

Rika: fine

*Rika gets off the couch and picks up the chair with the pizza guy on it and walks out of the room*

Kisame: I don't think you should let her kill him on her own

Pein: If she wants the good jobs she will kill him

Itachi: That has never stopped her in the past

Pein: Too true…Kakuzu follow her and make sure she kills him

Kakuzu: Okie-dokie

Rika's Room

Kakuzu: Rika, why are you going to kill him in your room?

Rika: I…I…I umm…

Kakuzu: You were not going to kill him were you?

Rika: *sigh* No…

Kakuzu: I am going to have to tell leader-sama now…

*Kakuzu starts to leave*

Rika: Wait!

*Kakuzu turns around*

Kakuzu: What?

Rika: If you promise not to tell him I can show you how to use E-bay…

Kakuzu: What is that?

Rika: Well… it is an online auction site, you can spend money and sell things and gain money

Kakuzu: I'm listening…

Rika: I can show you how to sell everybody's stuff…

Kakuzu: Deal

Rika: Yay

Kakuzu: One last thing… where did you hide him?

Rika: Oh in here

*Rika walks over to her wardrobe, it is the biggest in the hide out, and opens it up. Hidden in the back of it is the pizza guy*

Kakuzu: Ok then, let's get back before the others become suspicious

Rika: Wait! We have to look like we actually killed and buried the guy. Stay here

*Rika walks into the wardrobe and comes back with a jug filled with red liquid*

Kakuzu: Is that real blood?

Rika: Well kind of its chicken blood; you never know when these things come in handy

Kakuzu: So that is what happened to Zetsu's chickens

Rika: It wasn't my fault they just seemed to like being guinea pigs

*Rika smiles innocently*

Kakuzu: Remind me never to get on your bad side

Rika: Don't tell leader-sama and you won't

*Rika throws blood all over Kakuzu and herself. They leave her room and go back to the lounge room*

The lounge room…again

Sasori: Where the hell have you been?

Kakuzu: she didn't want to kill him so I did

*Rika drops head in fake sadness*

Itachi: Well the table is here and the pizza is getting cold, lets dig in!

*Everyone goes for the pizza but somehow Peins head beats them all to it* 

SLAM!

*Peins head has slammed into the table with such force it (the table) splits down the middle*

Pein: Ow

*Everyone is staring at the table and Pein, Hana is trying not to laugh*

*Pein reaches up to his face and pulls some magnets off his piercings, Hana kneels over laughing*

Pein: Who did this?

Silence

More Silence

More, More Silence

Pein: Hana?

Hana: *giggle* I swear *giggle* I *giggle* didn't do it *laugh* I was just so…so *burst out laughing*

Pein: *Menacing glare* who did it?

Silence

More Silence

More, More Silence

Pein: Well?

*Everybody looks at Deidara*

Deidara: What? No it wasn't me, if I had done anything I would have made the food blow up! Itachi and Kisame were the ones who brought the table in! Hn.

Kisame: hehe…opps!

*Kisame runs out of the room*

Pein: Ugh, don't worry Rika you won't be getting the dud jobs…He will

Itachi: Great…

*Itachi walks out of the room followed by Hana who mumbles something about feeding the dog*

Zetsu: Wait! We have a dog?

Everyone:?

Pein: Can someone find me the pain killers?

Rika: Oh the irony

*Rika walks into the kitchen*

10 minutes later

Rika: Hehe I found the 'Pein Killers' lol

*Rika freezes in the doorway that separates the lounge room form the kitchen, there is no-one in the lounge room they all seem to have left except for Sasori who is leaving*

Rika: Where did everybody go?

Sasori: Sorry Rika, nobody trusts Deidara and they all thought it was best to just cancel on tonight's plans

Rika: *tears fill her eyes but she wipes them away* But…it was supposed to be a night where we were all nice and shared pizza, just a relax night

Sasori: Sorry

*Sasori leaves Rika in the lounge room by herself*

Rika: Oh well maybe… maybe another night…

*Rika starts to clean up all the mess that is left on the lounge room floor*

4 days later

Itachi: Meeting! Lounge! Now!

*The members that are left as in not on missions gather in the lounge room. Pein, Itachi, Kisame, Hidan and Kakuzu*

Pein: You know that you can't call meetings without my permission

Itachi: This is an emergency!

Kisame: What is wrong now?

Itachi: *really high voice* someone stole my pants!

Everyone: *Snigger*

Itachi: This is no laughing matter! Someone has seriously stolen all my pants!

Kakuzu: Do you mean like your undies/pants or your trouser/pants?

Itachi: Trouser/pants!

Hidan: Who the F*** would want to steal your F***ing pants?

Itachi: I don't know! If I did I wouldn't have called you all here!

Pein: Did anyone here steal Itachi's pants?

Everyone: No

Pein: Then it must have been someone who isn't here; they probably took them thinking that they were theirs

Itachi: They took all of my pants, not just one pair… all of them

Pein: oh…

Itachi: *Really high voice again* I just want my pants back…

Kisame: It's ok… we will get them back…

*Kisame pats Itachi on the shoulder*

Later when everyone has returned

Pein: Meeting!

*Everyone scurries down the stairs to the den/lounge/kitchen*

Deidara: What now. Hn?

Pein: Itachi has something he would like to ask all of you

*Everyone is sitting on all the couches and chairs. Itachi stands up and walks to the front whilst Pein sits down on the empty chair*

Itachi: *Clears throat*

Hana: Well?

Itachi: *takes deep breath* Someonestolemypants!

*Everyone looks very confused*

Rika: Can you please repeat that?

Itachi: Somebody here stole my pants!

Everyone: *Snigger*

Itachi: Well?

*Everyone looks at each other confused*

Itachi: Who stole my pants!

Tobi: Tobi did…

Silence

More Silence

More, More Silence

Itachi: Why?

Tobi: Because Tobi wanted to make Itachi a blanket but Tobi had no materials so Tobi used Itachi's pants. Tobi is a good boy

Silence

More Silence

More, More Silence

Itachi: Show me

Tobi: No

Itachi: Show me!

Tobi: No

Itachi: TOBI SHOW ME MY PANTS NOW!

Rika: *snicker* so dirty

Tobi: ok

*Tobi goes to his room and comes back with a black lumpy object under his arms*

Tobi: Here

*Tobi hands Itachi his pants/blanket and steps back*

*Itachi practically explodes*

Itachi: FIX IT NOW!

Tobi: Tobi doesn't know how

Itachi: FIX IT NOW OR I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU!

Tobi: But… Tobi…

Rika & Hana: We will help you!

Tobi: Rika and Hana will help Tobi fix Itachi-san's blanket?

Rika: Sure

Hana: Why not

Rika: Let's go!

*Tobi, Rika and Hana run very fast out of the room*

Itachi: I am so going to kill those brats one day!

Kisame: You can't kill all of them!

Itachi: just cause you wanna protect your precious Hana!

Kisame: *Goes purple in the face* She is not my precious Hana!

Itachi: You can deny it all you want everyone here knows the truth of what you two have been doing late at night. Jeesh we can hear it through the walls!

Kisame: I hate you all

*Runs crying up the stairs*

Itachi: He had it coming

Pein: That was mean

Itachi: Yeah well… I have no pants

*Itachi leaves and the others soon follow and retire to their rooms*

2 days later

*Kakuzu is sitting at the computer in the Den/Lounge/Kitchen thing and staring at the computer, Deidara and Sasori are playing chess on the floor and Tobi is watching, licking a lollypop*

Kakuzu: Rika!

Rika: What?

*Rika appears at the top of the stairs looking annoyed*

Kakuzu: You said you would show me that website on the internet!

*Rika sighs and slowly saunters down the stairs and over to the computer. Deidara looks up, just as Sasori checkmates him, with a questioning look*

Deidara: What website?

Rika: Umm...

Sasori: Probably another website that claims to show him how to make money

Rika: You guessed it!

Kakuzu: No it's...

*Rika shoves him with her elbow and he shuts up. The others go back to their game and Kakuzu stares that the computer screen*

Kakuzu: Well?

Rika: *Sigh* Here...

*Rika types in the URL for E-bay and it come up with the home page*

Kakuzu: Now what?

Rika: You go to this page here...

*Rika clicks on the sell stuff option*

Rika: Then up upload the photo here...

*Rika clicks the upload photo option and selects a photo from her files*

Kakuzu: Are you planning on selling your stuffed rabbit?

Rika: Yeah, cause I am way too old for it anyway... You select a starting price and a finishing time...and voila! You are done

Kakuzu: Now what?

Rika: Now you wait for 2 days and people will bid for it and when the auction is finished you can send off the stuffed rabbit to the people/person who bought it and they will send you the money back

Kakuzu: How do I send the stuff off?

Rika: I will show you that when you make your first sale

Kakuzu: Ok then...what else can I sell?

Rika: Anything as long as it isn't mine...

Kakuzu: Ok...

*Kakuzu turns back to the computer and Deidara shouts at Tobi who is beating him at chess. Sasori turns to look at Rika"

Sasori: I hope you know what you have bargained for...

Rika: Me too...

The next day

Hana: Has anyone seen my hairdryer?

Kisame: No but my Razor has gone missing; you seen it?

Zetsu: Never mind that my cloak is missing!

Itachi: And my Snow globe...

Sasori: The TV remote has vanished!

Hidan: Who stole my F***ing Scythe?

Pein: Has anyone seen my plans for global domination?

Everyone: ?

Pein: Never mind, they must have gotten mixed in with the plans for the fluffy...never mind...

Everyone: O.O...

Rika: Has anyone seen my blanket? I had it yesterday and now it seems I have lost it

Tobi: Tobi doesn't think you have lost things...

*Everyone rounds on Tobi and glares at him. He takes a step backwards*

Tobi: No Tobi didn't take you things but who is not here?

*Everyone looks around and they all come to the same conclusion at the same time*

Everyone: Kakuzu!

Kakuzu's room

*Kakuzu is on his laptop when everyone barges in yelling and shouting. Kakuzu jumps off his bed and behind a pile of Fed-EX packages. Everyone freezes in the doorway and stares around the room in complete silence*

Pein: What have you been doing in here?

Kakuzu: Umm...

Hana: Hey that's my hair dryer!

Itachi: And my Snow globe!

*Everyone plies into the room and search through the mountains of boxes and finding all of their missing stuff*

Sasori: If the TV remote is not here, where is it?

Kisame: Oh that would be my bad; I was using it for the TV in my room sorry...

Sasori: Hmm...

Pein: Kakuzu what have you been doing with everybody's stuff?

Kakuzu: Selling it on E-Bay...

Pein: And who taught you to do that?

Kakuzu: Rika...

*Everybody glares at Rika*

Rika: What? He threatened to tell you about the pizza guy!

Itachi: What pizza guy?

Zetsu: Didn't you two kill him?

Rika: Shit!

Hidan: Where is my F***ing Scythe?

Kakuzu: Over in the corner...

Hidan: You had better not have F***ing broken it!

*Hidan dives behind more boxes to try to find his Scythe. Everyone rounds on Rika*

Rika: *Nervous laugh* opps…

*Rika runs out of the room and the others follow. They all run into Rika's room and she stops in front of the wardrobe*

Pein: Move!

Rika: NO! You can't have him! He's mine!

Pein: Get away from the doors!

Rika: You will never take him alive!

Everyone: Rika!

The end


End file.
